AP Top Ten News Stories of 2007 – Neo Con Style

January 1, 2008 – The neo cons do love to insert Al Qaeda and the dead Osama bin Laden into the news every chance they get.  They love to keep it fresh – their Al Qaeda rhetoric and fake bin Laden tapes. 

Domestic enemies of the U.S. Constitution that deserve a traitor’s fate such as Richard Armitage, John Bolton, Paul Bremer, Douglas Jay Feith, William Kristol, Rupert Murdoch, Richard N. Perle, Norman Podhoretz, Karl Rove, and Dov Zakheim must have been crushed to discover that the Associated Press selected its Top Ten News Stories of 2007 while failing to make the Al Qaeda, radical Islamic Extremist, Islamofacist, terrorist behind every tree – one for you, and one for me – connection. 

In the spirit of this ending Holiday Season, the Muckraker Report has decided to connect the neo dots so the Fools at Fox don’t have to assign it to their Chief Propagandist – Sean “I Tell the Lies” Hannity. 

So sit back and be very afraid.  The Muckraker Report presents:

AP TOP TEN NEWS STORIES OF 2007 – Neo Con Style

VIRGINIA TECH KILLINGS: Seung-Hui Cho, 23, who had avoided court-ordered mental health treatment despite a history of psychiatric problems, killed two fellow students in a dormitory on April 16, detoured to mail a hate-filled video of himself to NBC News, then shot dead 30 students and professors in a classroom building before killing himself. It was the worst mass shooting in modern U.S. history.

Cho died with the words "Ismail Ax" in red ink on the inside of one of his arms.  According to Fox Neo News, "Ismail Ax" may be a reference to the Islamic account of the Biblical sacrifice of Abraham.  It is also suspected, according to government officials speaking on the condition of anonymity, that Cho was wearing his Osama bin Laden Underoos at the time of his rampage. 

MORTGAGE CRISIS: A record-setting wave of mortgage foreclosures, coupled with a steep slump in the housing market, buffeted financial markets, caused multibillion-dollar losses at major banks and investment firms, and became an issue in the presidential campaign.

According to unnamed sources at the Secretary of Treasury, Al Qaeda has long been in the junk adjustable rate mortgage business.  Bin Laden’s goal has always been for middle class Americans to get in debt up to their eyeballs, right before the value of the dollar collapsed, imploding the Fed / Al Qaeda created housing bubble into its footprint, with the hope that homeless Americans would turn against their government and join the jihad.  While few have joined the jihad, many have joined a revolution.

IRAQ WAR: The "surge" that sent more U.S. troops to Iraq was credited with helping reduce the overall level of violence. But thousands of Iraqis and hundreds of U.S. personnel were killed nonetheless during the year, and Iraqi political leaders struggled to make meaningful progress toward national reconciliation.

Any death in Iraq is the fault of Al Qaeda.  Al Qaeda here, Al Qaeda there, Al Qaeda everywhere.  Osama bin Laden has ordered all Iraqis to resist the U.S. occupation and protect their homeland against the invaders.  Without such an order, the U.S. would have been greeted as liberators. Proud Arab men would have welcomed U.S. soldiers into their homes – just like American men would if a foreign army came marching down their street.  If Al Qaeda would simply leave Iraq, Sunnis and Shiites would begin to live in blissful harmony as Iraq crude pumps through Halliburton’s meters. 

OIL PRICES: Oil prices soared to record highs, at one point reaching nearly $100 a barrel. The high prices, which burdened motorists and owners of oil-heated homes, nudged Congress to pass an energy bill that ordered an increase in motor vehicles' fuel efficiency.

According to Department of Energy personnel, the big American Oil Companies were outraged to find out that Al Qaeda had drove the price of oil to nearly $100 a barrel, causing mind numbing, record breaking profits for companies like Exxon Mobil.  All evidence points to Osama bin Laden as the mastermind of the multi-billion dollar money bombs exploding in boardrooms across America while simultaneously causing middleclass Americans to pay $465 for a lousy 150 gallons of heating oil – about a three week supply in the northeast. 

CHINESE EXPORTS: An array of Chinese exports were recalled, ranging from toys with lead paint to defective tires to tainted toothpaste and food. Despite the high-profile problems, America's trade deficit with China was running at record-high levels.

A former official with the Consumer Protection Agency as well as the Environmental Protection Agency has told the Muckraker Report that she has video tape evidence of Osama bin Laden mixing paint at a major toy factory in China.  Dressed as a 6’6” Chinaman, bin Laden is reportedly seen in the video working with other disguised Al Qaeda members as they pour a graphite colored substance into the beige colored paint to be used to paint GI Joe action figures only moments later. 

GLOBAL WARMING: Warnings about the consequences of global warming gained intensity with new reports from scientific panels and a Nobel Prize to Al Gore for his environmental crusading that included the film "An Inconvenient Truth." Across the U.S., many state governments sought to cap emissions blamed for global warming.

Al Gore – Al Qaeda – You be the judge. 

BRIDGE COLLAPSE: An Interstate 35 bridge over the Mississippi River in Minneapolis collapsed during the evening rush hour on Aug. 1, killing 13 people and injuring about 100. The disaster fueled concern about possible structural flaws in other bridges nationwide.

Not only does Osama bin Laden hate the U.S. because of our freedom, wealth, and women’s rights, he also hates America because we have rivers, and Saudi Arabia does not.  Al Qaeda has a well-documented history of causing bridges to collapse – especially old, neglected bridges.  What type of evil would target a bridge in its twilight years? 

PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN: In a yearlong drama with shifting subplots, large fields in both major parties battled for support ahead of the caucuses and primaries that will decide the 2008 presidential nominees. Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama led among the Democrats; some polls showed five Republicans with double-digit support.

Sources at the Federal Election Commission tell the Muckraker Report that Al Qaeda insurgents are running the campaigns for all the Democratic and Republican presidential hopefuls except for Rudy “50 cal” Giuliani.  Why would they do this you ask?  While they are evildoers and dastardly extremists – they do like a good fight.  Also, Osama bin Laden does not have any other coat than the now familiar camouflage jacket he sports during all his media appearances.  If the wars stopped because pansies take over the United States – Osama just wouldn’t have anything appropriate to wear. 

IMMIGRATION DEBATE: A compromise immigration plan, backed by President Bush and Democratic leaders, collapsed in Congress due to Republican opposition. The plan would have enabled millions of illegal immigrants to move toward citizenship, while also bolstering border security. The issues remained alive in the presidential campaign.

Working overtime to destroy the United States, sources at the Department of Immigration and Nationalization confirm that Al Qaeda operatives in Mexico are actually chasing Mexicans across the southern border of the United States.  Faced with the threat of the United States carpet bombing their homes because they’re harboring terrorists, the Mexicans figure its most likely safer to cross into the United States illegality, and while here, do the jobs Americans refuse to do like carpentry, painting, roofing, plumbing, electrical, concrete, tree trimming, landscaping – stuff like that.

IRAN'S NUCLEAR PROGRAM: Worried that the ultimate goal is a nuclear arsenal, the United States and other countries pressed Iran to halt uranium enrichment. Iran said it never had a weapons program. A U.S. intelligence report concluded there was such an effort, but it stopped in 2003.

Al Qaeda is Sunni.  Osama bin Laden is a Sunni Arab.  Iran is populated mostly with Shiites – Shiite Persians.  See the connection?  If Osama bin Laden were still alive, he’d love to get his hands on a nuclear weapon.  Iran wants to get its hands on nuclear power like 55 other countries around the world.  Both seek something nuclear making them evildoers – unlike righteous and virtuous Americans that still sport “W” The President stickers on their vehicles. 

Happy New Year!  God help us all!